His Birthday

*tw: SA

When it’s your assailant’s birthday

and you’re still on semi-speaking terms with him

what do you say? 

When Facebook shows that you should wish him happy birthday

do you ignore it? 

Do you send a *Congrats you were born*

hoping he leaves you alone? 

I have spent months trying to forget his smell

his feel 

him feeling me.

I have been trying

desperately 

to sort out my life. 

Trying to get as many voices in my head that erase his.

That erase my own voice telling him I would leave this alone

and that I am sorry for making life harder for him.

I have spent months trying to get him out of my bed

when I dream

and off my tongue when I kiss.

I have spent months trying to forgive myself. 

I think I will not say anything at all. 

I always seem to say the wrong words

or my words aren’t listened to. 

I think I will take my well wishes elsewhere. 

I think I will congratulate myself for staying alive

when I didn’t think I would make it. 

I think I will spend my time on better things today.

I do not need to give him more of this poem than I already have

and I do not need to give him more of me

than he has already taken.

19/53