Today is an Amen
Today I woke up and saw snow for the first time in eight years.
My first thought wasn’t how beautiful it was
or how I may get off work.
I thought, and if my world isn’t already white enough…
here’s another way for me to not belong.
Sunday I watched the Super Bowl for the first time in a while.
Today it feels more and more like a betrayal of all I stand for.
Colin Kaepernick lost his job
in the process of trying to create a better future
for himself, for his family
for me and mine.
Today it is Trayvon Martin’s birthday.
I think of him whenever I wear a hoodie.
Whenever I walk through my neighborhood.
Whenever I move from my car to my front door
opening up as fast as I can
lest someone think I do not belong.
Today I am reading Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates.
I am eight pages in and my heart is already broken.
Perhaps it has been broken for a long time
and I am just now starting to feel it.
Perhaps this is what I have been trying to say for so long.
I have one-hundred-forty-four more pages left to see myself in.
Today I wanted to quit writing my book
because it seems like all I can write about right now is race.
And I don’t want to be that person
that doesn’t have anything different to say.
But I guess when the words don’t come out of my mouth
they will gravitate to the page.
Today I forgave myself for being Black.
For not fitting into a society where everything is against me.
For walking through a town that I do not see myself reflected in.
For watching the Super Bowl without protest and dialogue.
For losing my voice time and time again.
Today is the fifth day of Black History Month.
I never grasped the magnitude of February until now.
How history is being told by those who lost so much.
How much representation matters
and how far we have yet to go.
Today, this month, is a celebration and mourning
all at the same time.
Today is gratitude.
Today is representation.
Today is grief.
And today is justified rage.
Today is a hallelujah.
Today is grace.
Today is another goodbye.
Today is a prayer for safe passage to tomorrow.
Today is an amen.
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