I used to think that to answer the big life questions I had to make my way through a labyrinth of experiences to reach understanding. But the more I know the more I’m convinced there is no solid ground upon which to stand. It is all ocean. As far as I can see.

We are created by the divine, or our parents or whatever force we attribute to our being. We carry the molding of their work within us. And often the first indication of recognition is the naming of the child. For we are born nameless, even for a brief second. Then, someone dares to utter our title aloud and we are. So here are these humans, in the beginning of life carrying the legacy of generations in a single word. And it seems as we grow the world is waiting for us to grow into the calling. But we forget to tell our children they can name themselves too. We forget to tell them that their liberation is at the back of their throat, in their chest, and running through their bloodstream.

Just as we have been called we can uncall ourselves and change our trajectory. How impermanent is that? How free? If our named experience doesn’t fit our existence we do not have to continue trying to fit into spaces that aren’t meant to hold us. And finally, when you realize your name is not your own unless you claim it as such, you realize you get to shape yourself and your life how you please.

And this is not without fear or hardship or fear of hardship. It is easier said than done. As parents I would guess that bringing a child into or up in this world you pray the child is everything you hoped they would. But we were never yours. Or at least not fully. We always belong to ourselves first. Just as you are not our grandparent’s. Or even each other’s. We are our only constant and we only hold total alliance to ourselves.

So perhaps the goal then of the parents is to bring a child into or up in this world and then hold them loosely. To let them hold themselves first and you second. This does not mean any less love is shown or trust is built but this is the hard work of acknowledging the child’s autonomy and identity as one which differs from what you project onto them. This child is their own.

I had the gift and pain of realizing that upon adoption. I was not anyone that I know and so the only thing I knew for sure was what I was not. Thus I was catapulted into the journey of figuring out who I was and where and why I exist. At some point we will all have to take this journey if we wish to know ourselves but when and how that comes about varies person to person. And the answers to our big questions are not nearly as clear as we would like or bring about as much closure as we prayed for. And I think in many ways the excitement in living resides within the intricacies of experience and identity. We will never fully know the secrets to being alive and I am okay with that as long as I am not deterred from pursuing answers.

My First Life Lesson

**My First Life Lesson**
As a baby I reached out
past my tears
and was met with nothing.

This body of mine is stubborn in her pain.
This body denies the immensity of her loss.
She holds me.
She is me.
I hold her back.

Ever since then I enter spaces
scared they will refuse to hold me.
Every person I meet
I wait for them to put me down.
Sill, I stay
resilient.
I hold my own hand and claim myself.

* Excerpt from my book, Lightning On My Fingertips
** Photo by Katelyn White

If we are a piece of the divine, made from the creator and carrying the divine within then how can God not also be a constant as well? So between you and me, we only belong completely to ourselves and we both mirror our creator- holy feet on this earth, as is every other living being. And maybe the point of all of this is to live with eyes wide open to the presence of humanity and the traces of God in every interaction. Maybe the point of all of this is to move in a way where we are tuned in to ourselves first, the world second, and then lastly, how we interact with the world. And perhaps the search isn’t as much in finding the answers but in asking the right questions in order to stay in continual growth.

If we cannot evolve and grow we will die. Death, after all, is the ceasing of growth.

Have you ever had those moments where you connect with someone and suddenly your world seems so much less lonely? Like that moment you figure out that you are not the only one to have the thoughts you do and someone else is floating in the same waters you habitate? I hope one day you get that chance and that when you do, you recognize it as a blessing and love.

I did some porch sitting and conversation with my friend, James, yesterday and I could not help but feel seen. I think the younger versions of myself would be proud of how far I have come. I used to get down on my knees, prostrate at times, and beg for direction in life. For the answers to make all of this easier or more bearable. But a couple months ago James told me that anything that makes my God bigger and my love more expansive is where I should head. It turns out his front porch was where I was led. And I do not have any more answers than I have questions but I am finally okay with that. I am okay with losing my concept of a labyrinth and floating into the sea.

These days I do my best to notice and hold witness to life. Mine and that around me. I base my pursuit of excellence off of my ability to retain my humanity and honour where I am in the moment. It is no longer the achievement of lofty goals, although I hold those close, but it is a measure of how well I hold and care for myself. Audre Lorde writes in her work Uses of the Erotic,

“It is never easy to demand the most from ourselves, from our lives, from our work. To encourage excellence is to go beyond the encouraged mediocrity of our society is to encourage excellence. But giving in to the fear of feeling and working to capacity is a luxury only the unintentional can afford, and the unintentional are those who do not wish to guide their own destinies.”

I think she is onto something here. And I think my destiny is to know myself as much as I can. Perhaps you are thinking that this is a very privileged or selfish way of thinking. That to be able to pour into yourself is a luxury. But I would argue that it is a necessity. We all have a well we go to dig from every day and then we decide where to pour the water- down our throats or into the world. The trick is to be in tune with ourselves enough to know when to do that. To explore in ourselves, our bodies, our psyches enough to start to understand what inside us needs to be watered and where outside ourselves we have to help grow. But our first look should always be inward. Because what we carry inside is how we move around this earth.

Simply put, we are in this fight for survival and this pursuit to thrive. But we cannot do so if we are not committed to our own life and survival. If we keep watering everything and everyone but ourselves we will start to wilt.

One of my August goals is to not wilt. When I told my football coach, Joanna, she said she would do what she could to help me reach that achievement. But she doesn’t know that she is already making my dreams come true. One night I dreamed that I would be in constant growth and evolution. I guess it was a prayer and dream all wrapped up in one. And while I do have very concrete goals, I am realizing that it is not as much whether or not I achieve them but that I am showing up fully and hungry every step of the way. I want to do what I do, what I love, and be the best I can. If that leads me to the achievement of my concrete goals, I will be grateful beyond words. But I am already full with gratitude because it is such a blessing for me to be on this journey. So I keep returning the pitch, I keep gravitating towards love and I find myself, found.

We are ever changing. Maybe that is our purpose in life. To keep moving into new forms and versions of ourselves. To recreate ourselves for however long it is until we take our last breath. Instead of holding onto everything else as tightly as we do we must wrap our arms around ourselves and leave room for expansion. There is no solid ground upon which to stand and we are fluid. Alive. Maybe we are charged with holding witness to life everywhere. To let ourselves be changed by our experiences and the learned realities of others. Perhaps that is the biggest and most important thing we will ever do.

This work is daunting. And will never be finished if we do it right. It involves leaving where you are to travel into who you have never been. It is recognizing spaces that feel like death and figuring out if you should try to change the space or leave. It is figuring out if the people you interact with should stay in your life or if you have to walk away. It is choosing yourself. Again and again. It is realizing how indescribably small you are in this world. And how vitally important. It is acknowledging that your life is your own but it is not lived without touching the lives of others. It is seeking out humanity at every turn and listening for the divine outside of yourself in everything alive. It is honouring where you are and where you’ve been. It is alchemy. Becoming instead of wilting. Instead of death, growth. Alchemy. Life lived.

-All my love,

-K

There Is No Solid Ground Upon Which To Stand

all my love,

-K