A Break Up Note And A Love Note
This is a break up note and a love note all wrapped into one.
I hate goodbyes. I have said enough of them to last me a lifetime and I do my best to avoid more. So I bend through hoops, jump through fire, and twist myself up until I am no longer standing for all I believe in but kneeling at the foot of our relationship. But today I am done.
I am making peace with leaving people behind. Finally. I will no longer be waiting for the racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic trash I expect when I check my social media feeds. I will no longer cringing at your representation of Christianity or love. I will be moving on. In truth, I should have moved on a while ago. I should have moved on when I saw the first red flag. I should have moved on when I called out the wrong and you said wrong was right. I should have moved on a thousand more chances later. But they say hindsight is 20/20. However, now that I know better I will do better.
I will no longer welcome your defense of love and Christianity for reasons why you are not being as hateful as you think you are. The love and Christianity I believe in don’t root for the unexistence of peoples, dehumanize those who live lives you don’t deem worthy, and willingly turn away from injustice. So throw your verses at me and preach your talk but I have seen the goodness of God and She does not reside in your version of Christianity. And by your standards, neither do I.
And if you’re wondering, leaving your bubble does not mean leaving God behind. The world is big out here. It is beautiful and accepting and loving and full of God. It is life in fullness: all of us are messy, struggling, doubting, lost, found, held, and seen.
Still, for years I thought that denying the parts of me and the people of the earth that were deemed problematic was the solution to being holy. But I now see that there is nothing holy in turning away from denying who I was made to be, dehumanizing those who live differently, and turning away from injustice. In doing so, I turn away from God. I turn away from God’s son, born to a young woman looking for shelter, arriving in the most vulnerable form there is. I find it impossible to believe that God does not meet the marginalized where they are at and see their holiness. This is not to say that the marginalized are more holy and worthy of love than the rest but this is to say God will always be on both side of the walls we enjoy building.
I understand that human nature does not leave us stagnant in where we stand but I am done waiting for you to change. I am done waiting for you to decide if you even wish to change. This is no longer my fight with you. If you need me, reach me where I am at but I will no longer be returning to the exclusive Christianity club- it kills my soul and and pains my heart. And if you’re wondering, leaving your bubble does not mean leaving God behind. The world is big out here. It is beautiful and accepting and loving and full of God. It is life in fullness: all of us are messy, struggling, doubting, lost, found, held, and seen.
So this is my break up note to you and everyone else who thinks they can simultaneously love me and the marginalized while partaking in our oppression and denying us dignity. James Baldwin said, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” He was onto something there.
This is my love note to myself: I love myself enough to break up with you. I choose people who see the humanity in others and grant them dignity despite the differences. I choose me. I choose love. I choose acceptance.
I hope you give yourself permission to choose yourself and love. I hope you shed everything and everyone weighing you down- family or friend or colleague or acquaintance. I do not have the map and even if I did, I do not live your life and cannot tell you the next right thing. All I know is this process is hard and worth it. I am creating the life I wish to live and striving to surround myself with love and love alone.
Sending peace
-K