Survival is Hard Work
I was named employee of the month yesterday. Honestly, I didn’t even know that was an award I could win. I took the paragraph they wrote about me and carefully put it in my bag to take home. The rest of my shift I kept going over their words and reflecting upon this past month. I am honored and I feel seen. But this accomplishment is bittersweet. It does not rest easy in my heart. I earned it, I know I did. But I just don’t know if I earned it more than the person beside me. I got home and reread the paragraph that was written about me. Then I hung it on my fridge and climbed into bed. Everything they said about me was true. Everything said was a result of me working as hard as I could and having the best attitude I could muster.
The USA has 22 million people unemployed currently. I won employee of the month. Sometimes you just have to show up. Sometimes you just have to have a something to show up to.
I live in limbo. Some days I am giving the world all I have to offer. Those days I smile until my face hurts, talk until my ears want to fall off, and focus on doing every aspect of life as well as I can. Other days all I can offer to the world is my breath. On the latter days I used to lay in bed at night wide awake in my shame that was birthed from unproductive hours. You see, I am a dream chaser- I always have been and always will be. And when I feel I am not running as fast as I can towards my goals I beat myself up. But this pandemic is asking me to extend myself grace; there is no shame to be found in standing and breathing instead of running. Survival is hard work. I am doing the best I can.
In 2017 I went to a college ID camp for football. The first thing they told us before our first training session was that we were competing with each other, not against each other. So I did the best I could and the people around me also did their best.
survive
sur·vive | \ sər-ˈvīv \
survived; surviving
Definition of survive
1: to remain alive or in existence : live on
2: to continue to function or prosper
1: to remain alive after the death of
he is survived by his wife
2: to continue to exist or live after
survived the earthquake
Survival is gritty and humbling and heartbreaking and real. This is hard work. Existing. Just ask your neighbor. Just asking yourself. Living is a full time job. We all are doing what we can with what we have and who we have. This is not a contest to see who can stay breathing and look the best doing so. It also is not a battle to determine who has the best attitude or can do the most. It is what it is.
I do not need my employee of the month honour to know I did my best. But I will take it and cherish it. Life, I mean. As for the words stuck up on my fridge that provide proof of what I brought to my job, I will hold those tightly. I will text my grandmother and tell her the good news and celebrate always. I made it here alive. And so did you, dear reader. We are alive.
Sometimes accomplishment is disguised as survival in all its facets and complexities.
*Cue I Am Here by P!nk
-K
