I Wonder What it is To Live Pain-Free

I wonder what it is like to live without pain.
To wake up and be free.
But I am starting to think people like me don’t live pain-free.
Not that we don’t deserve it
but that we don’t get that privilege.
Some of us are killed by the state
some killed by racism
some killed by each other
and still, some of us suffer by our own hand.

I was 14 when Tamir Rice died
and the video is forever ingrained in my mind
just like Philandro Castile’s last moments.
And Sandra Bland was a reminder
of what they would do to me too if they could.
I wonder what it is like to not live with these truths
of how disposable Black life seems to be.
I wonder what it is like to not have officers joke about needing a closed casket over a brother’s body
and recall standing in front of Emmett Till’s open casket in DC
speechless
before I went home to see yet another sister get misgendered in death.
I wonder what it is like to not get written out of history
or thrown in a dumpster as a joke
or killed because of who you love
or know if you go missing they won’t care enough to look.

Some of us die all at once
others of us are dying as we are living.
Watching our brothers and sisters go before us
paving the way into forever freedom
into an existence that is pain-free.
Some of us die by our own hand
and other’s of us suffer under our blade.
I have this scar on my arm from stabbing myself with a knife.
I have permanent nerve damage from that
and do not remember what it is like to live without hurting.
I have these images in my mind of him snaking under my clothes
and I don't remember what it is like to live without being hurt.
I have this fear of the future because I know that the path to better
is riddled with obstacles and not everyone makes it through.
And maybe the point of this is to stop asking how to live without this pain
but instead it is a prayer
to put this pain to purpose.
This life to meaning.